On the outside, I am a software developer who goes to the gym and occasionally on a hike on the weekends when the weather allows it. I do my job, I practice karate, I take a trip every now and then, I am a quiet and responsible member of society with an anonymous life.
I like that they think of me this way. I have tried sharing with other people what I want to do with my life, it didn’t go very well. Some of them are well-intended, but they can’t comprehend what I feel on a daily basis, what makes me want to change the things I want to change.
On the inside, on the other end, I should add a thing or two. I have spent quite some time learning how I should eat to in order to reach my esthetic and performance objectives, why body fat percentage matters and how to balance calories; how the economy and the stock market work; cleaning my house and shopping properly. On top of all of it, I do spend a lot of time writing and correcting these blog articles. I could add much more, but I think you got the gist of it: there is more to this guy than meets the eye.
Some of these last things, very few people now. The rest, literally no one. This blog is a perfect example of the second category. I am literally the only person in my life who is aware of the existence of this blog and, most importantly, how unbelievably huge the work I am trying to do is. I’m working to become the person I want to be, not the person life has tried to make me up to now.
I have chosen silence, and I want to explain why.
Today, it seems like if you don’t post it on social media it doesn’t exist.
You go to the gym? Take a selfie in front of a mirror and let the world know. You’re on a diet? Post a photo of the food so that the aunt who changed your diapers 30 years ago can approve it (and don’t forget the engagement in the comment section caused by those who will discourage you by telling you that you have to accept your body as it is). New job? Congratulations, don’t forget to tell all the people in your life so that you can get your share of appraisal.
Very few people actually know anything about your life. Hell, most of them know nothing at all.
To be fair, I’m not really against all of this. I am results-oriented: if posting your work on yourself on social media really helps you reach your objectives, all power to you. Some people take accountability more easily when others know what they are trying to do (“it will be humiliating if I don’t do it after telling everyone I would”). This is a completely legit and viable approach, and if that’s what you’re going for, I wish you all the best and I’m rooting for you. I’m actually eager to see your success.
That’s not my cup of tea, though. Again, there’s nothing wrong with it, I just don’t have that in me. Due to the way I lived my life until now, I already feel a very strong sense of responsibility toward myself (“I have to improve my future at all costs, I can’t waste any more time”). I’m not chasing other people’s approval, only my own. Most importantly, when I do it in silence, the satisfaction of a result belongs to me first. I can feel it, I can savor it, I can internalize it and make it a part of my persona. I can start perceiving myself as “successful”.
Whatever this blog of mine will become, it will be my own doing. Good or bad.
Is it harder to build in silence? Is it easier?
There are both advantages and disadvantages. I have chosen it because this approach suits me best, not because it is “objectively better”.
There is one advantage, though, that isn’t talked about enough, and I really think people should be more aware of it.
When nobody knows what you’re doing, nobody can discourage you, no one can predict the reasons it will fail before it starts, no one can minimize the progress you make. No one can redirect your energy with their doubts, or their well-meaning concern, or their entirely predictable observation that most people who try this kind of thing don’t succeed.
There is just you, the cold (and truthful) data, and your own assessment of how it’s going.
I have found this to be an extraordinary freedom. Not because I’m afraid of criticism — I’m 33, by my age I have developed a way to distinguish between constructive and non-constructive criticism, and I know how to handle both. The reality is that you don’t need other people’s opinions to start. You don’t need anybody to validate your feelings about something that makes you feel bad. You want to change? Don’t ask for permission, do it. If you don’t like an aspect of your life you don’t have to wait for the general public to tell you that it is a valid concern. They know nothing about you, they do not dictate your life.
Of course, I’m not telling you to rush everything as soon as it comes to your mind. If you want to lose weight but you know nothing about proper nutrition, go to a dietician/nutritionist and follow his advice. If you want to get jacked, go to the gym and listen to the trainers. Don’t be afraid to seek an expert’s opinion, but when you get it, go through with it. They are the ones that should influence your actions.
I’ve done this before, without giving it a name.
When I started therapy, two people knew (people I was sure were not going to judge). When I moved to a new city and began trying to build a social life from scratch, I did it quietly and told almost no one until it was already underway. These things needed to be mine first before they could be anyone else’s story about me.
I’m not building in silence because I’m ashamed, I do it because it’s mine. I take responsibility about the shortcomings of my past and I’m trying to do something, whatever I can, to improve on my situation.
Where am I going with my silent building? What is my objective, after all is said and done?
The first step is arriving somewhere. Realizing, one by one, slowly but surely, everything I want. It’s not easy, not everybody does it, but I mean to, and I sure as hell don’t plan on stopping before crossing the finish line. After that, another important piece of work will be necessary: making the good things permanent instead of temporary, turning the results into the baseline. The body I want, the weight I want, the mind I’ve built. I will have new objectives, I already have something in mind, but before working on those I will have to complete the previous ones.
That person will be me. Not the same me, a new me. The “me” I’m building.
If you’ve read all the first articles and recognized yourself in any of it — the empty years, the wrong refuges, the slow and unglamorous work of building something real — then I want to say something directly to you.
Build. It doesn’t have to be in silence, it doesn’t have to look like what I’m doing. It just has to be something, moving in a direction you chose, at a pace that’s yours.
You don’t need many people in your life to deserve to feel seen. You don’t need a dramatic story to have a real one. You don’t need to have started at the right age, or with the right foundation, or without the wrong patterns already built in.
You just need to start, keep going, and refuse to stop. You are accountable for yourself. Scary, sure, but also liberating: you are the only one able to give you permission to start. Give yourself that permission. Start. I’ll be here, building alongside you. In silence, as always — but just beside you.